The Impossibility of Austen

In what seems like the first in a long time, but has really only been a few days, I've read several of my friend's blogs. When I'm in school it's a daily ritual: I have it on those automatic loading tabs things in Firefox. What I found there tonight was different than usual and it startled me. As silly as this sounds... people are changing. Changing doesn't sound silly, but the noticing of it does.

In my last post I talked about people growing up. Now I'm wondering if I'm ready to move on from the safety of Nipissing. I don't want to live with my dad for eight months, under that constant parental supervision, when I'm so used to the freedom that university brings. But that's besides the point. Rather, as much as things change, they always stay the same. I lost touch with one blogger once because we both moved on from the internet being a prime social group. It feels like it's happening again, as now that she has given up her blog, I have no way of staying in touch with her life, what she's doing. Or other bloggers who I want to help as much as possible, but I realize that this happens every year, and every year they all make it through okay. SAD? Maybe. The weather makes it worse this year.

I don't know where I'm going with this blog... I guess I just wanted to put something out there. I'm scared shitless right now. Scared of the future. Scared of the path my life is taking. Scared, excited... yet also dreading going back to North Bay. It has always been a clique in a way, our group of friends, but I'm feeling it... and seeing it... more this year. I don't hang out with people who I have for the past four years... hell I don't even speak to them. Not because I don't like them, or because I don't consider them friends, but because we're in different social circles. Different places in life. Other friends have seperated themselves... or just have found other people to hang out with. I don't know. Even the people who I thought made up my core group are seperating. I'll only see them at school or at a rehearsal. No longer do we hang out, talk like old times. Discuss things. This isn't true for everyone, I know that, but... I just feel distant from everyone. And I mean everyone. I don't know why this is. I don't know why I feel that I've lost most of my friends even though they are right in front of me.

The biggest thing? I dread the feeling of the high school clique, the one where so-and-so is not welcome at some point because of a silent agreement between the other group members. The seclusion, the childish (oi, that word again) seperation tactic to torture someone... even if this distancing is just in the persons head. Am I talking about myself? I don't know, but I'm definatly talking about others. Or maybe this entire worry is built up in my head? I don't know.

Either way, let's move on. I've made New Year's Resolutions and one is beginning on Monday. I ask and encourage people to join me in this. I'm am starting at the gym again, and my goal is to go a minimum of three times a week. I'm also going to eat better and I have wonderful new cookbooks to help me with this. I know it's a resolution that most people face, and hell I've said it a number of times... but I feel different about it this time. I actually feel I have the will (thinking New Zealand folks) and time to achieve it. So, I'm throwing my hat in the ring. Does anyone care to join me? I challenge you to join. Come on, it'll be fun.

I think that's enough for tonight. Oh, and Sparky, if you feel like making some money, I need a ride for a grocery run on... hopefully... Monday evening. Let me know.

So, for my last post from Kingston until the reading week break (*sigh* I fucking hate dentists. I really do. Not because of what they do, but because they cost so damn much and insurance is a neccessity to get anything done... and I'm only covered until the end of April. Boo.) I bid you all a good night... or early morning. Or whatever.

Right.

Night.