I was at Partner's last night and a guy did a horrible job on Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings". I had to leave the table I was at though because it was the song that was played at Laurie's funeral. It's the song that my mom and her had shared for so long... and it just reminds me so much of Laurie and her three kids.
Have you ever had someone who was like a sibling to you? I don't mean like a bestfriend or anything, I mean someone who you were not related to, but lived with for a long, long time who then became like your siblings?
I have three of them. It's why I'm sometimes hesitant to say that I'm an only child because even though I AM, I still was raised along side three other people. I technically had an older brother, a younger brother, and a younger sister. I say 'had' because I haven't seen them in seven years. Not since their mother's funeral.
It's a long story and I won't bore you with the details but... could you imagine all of a sudden being disconnected with your siblings? to have them just... gone, and you never see them ever again. It's hard... and even though it's been seven years, I still find myself thinking of them, wondering about them... what are they doing? Did they go to post-secondary? What are they doing now?
And any attempt to find them results in a closed door. People not speaking, being weary of why exactly you're asking them of the 'kids'. It's infuriating. It's like a conspiracy.
Anyways, I fond one on facebook tonight. I didn't add them at a friend because... because honestly? I don't know if I could trust her. I've heard the two younger ones have been brainwashed... so much so that they no longer have contact with their older brother, with their mother's siblings, or anyone on that side of the family.
It's weird. You know someone... and then seven years later you don't know if you can trust them?
Anyways, the point is I guess I just shouldn't dig up the past anymore. It's not helpful at all. I just find it weird when the past shows up as a random song in a karaoke bar and it stills affects me this much to this day. Seven years is a long time. I need to let it go.
2012 End of the Year Writing Wrap Up
13 years ago
2 comments:
Sarah, I wouldn't neccessarily let it go... I think we've talked about things like this before. These are the things that make us who we are. We cannot deny ourselves that, and if that Bette Midler song brings up your past, well - sing it aloud and proud. That song may represent a sad part of your life, but that doesn't mean that everything from the past needs to reflect that sadness.
As for the anti-trust that you have going... it is up to you, but you continue to say that you hit the brick walls when you try and find out what's going on. You now find yourself a door and don't know if you should open it. Here are a couple questions to ask yourself:
1. Are you always going to wonder about her?
2. If you do open the door, do you feel obligated to anything?
3. Would you be happy in your life without knowing?
I don't know what I would do myself Sarah... I'm here if you need to talk!
I don't think you should let go at all. You can't control what other people have done to make this whole thing difficult. But you can control what you do about it. Doing nothing at all while feeling the way that you do will just abdicate control. Trust me, sometimes you have to dig up the past and go for it. Some people might surprise you and thank you.
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